Being a missionary

Is about surrender.

For me it has always been about surrender. Since very young, it was a deep desire within me for the power of God in my life. I wanted to see Him glorified and see many coming to know Him.

This Father intrigued me. I found Him extremely interesting. I found great delight in sharing with others, gum, money, whatever I had to share with them. I liked sharing and giving to others.

The thought of an adventure where I could give even my very life for the gospel. So that others might know Christ. but perhaps there was also a selfishness in my dream.

A desire for personal gain? Honor? Wanting to be loved by others?

These things are ALL disillusions of a little girl who wants to be noticed by the world. My calling was real, and my promises to God were not given to him in vain. Rather it was the deep desire for intimacy within this heart, that pushed me to make crazy challenges with him. I loved that we could do that with each other.

But when does one of us fail to believe in the other? I admit my sinfulness. I have been faithless and given up time and again in my heart or in my mind. Seeing it as impossible and saying, "I can't" but the Word of God tells me that
"Even when we are faithless, He is faithful still! because HE cannot deny himself!"

He will still do it! He will still obtain all the glory! He will still give all the love and attention that my heart of hearts desired from him. In spite of my failures. In spite of my disillusions. And HE probably

winks and laughs...

because He planned it all along. And used my childlike faith mixed with a deep desire for love and attention to gain my confidence...so that I would never be afraid to go.

TO GO....

thats what I have done. Gone into another country specifically so that I might share the love of Jesus Christ. and although there are days, there are weeks, and there are hours, where I feel like I have failed...

God NEVER fails! and it is not about us anyway. And He is bringing about the good work that He has begun. He also delights to prune and shape us so that we will be even more fruitful.

As I prepare my heart for a very special message this weekend, I desperately cry to God for his help. Because I know that God can heal women of their pain, and that God can challenge them to remain faithful even when the going gets hard. and He can also heal them of their illnesses of all kinds.

I trust him and love him more than anything else. And I will love Him until I die. For me being a missionary, was a very selfish thing. It was all about me displaying before God my hunger and love for him.

But he has taken and shown me my poor efforts. He has shown me that being a missionary is just another title, but that as a minister of the gospel, one thing is important.

Bringing others into right relationship with Jesus Christ. Whose faithful love for them will conquer the enemy.

And God delights in showing up the enemy and causing all opposition to Him to be destroyed.

I completely LOVE being a missionary. Because I am discovering here how immature that I am, and how much I still have to count the cost every day, and how much that I need to trust him. It is a very difficult situation.

Because He is TOO kind and gracious and ETERNALLY loving to allow me to remain in sin. Rather He
Disciplines those that He loves.

Yes, I fail.

but He never EVER will!!!!

Thank you Lord for loving me and calling me your daughter!!!! I am eternally grateful and once again I commit my life to you just like I did back then as a little girl!!! I never want to grow tired or skeptical of what you have called me to do! I always want to be an instrument of reconciliation and peace and love to a lonely, empty and overly self - important world!

I love you all, and I hope that you were able to get something out of my little reflection! I hope that you will let me know if you have any questions about what it means to have a reconciled relationship with the Father of all righteousness, and the Son of God!