dear God

I am so hungry for You and so at a loss of myself.

I am ashamed of all the sins that I am so aware of... and yet your TRUTH has freed me.

I long to be in your presence and share eternity with you.  I long to be freed from the curse.  Freed from earth's grasp on me.

I must be renewed.  I cannot stand without your power.  I need you. 

I know in my head that my good desires are not bad, but my heart says they are wrong desires... wrong because they are misplaced, out of focus. 

I long for you.  I want to live every day to its fullest, yet I cannot live faster than I am destined.  Sometimes I prefer thoughts of death, than the idea that I could disappoint you today. 

Sometimes I feel I understand a little of what the apostle Paul said when he said that "to live is Christ, but to die is gain."  It is more suffering sometimes just to live when we struggle to live correctly and to be ALIVE rather than asleep in a very spiritual manner, than just to die physically which means we will be ever present with you.  Yet it is a worthy battle.  If we are to be like Him, and like Him in his suffering, how much greater will be our rejoicing when we rise to spend eternity with You. 

My laziness and my flesh wants to just be done and go with you now... because I do see imperfections, and I do not want to fail.  But I will stand and take courage, with the thought that I could just minister to one more person, today.

I recognize that I will minister imperfectly.  It is a great risk that I might be wrong in some of my approaches to people or theology.  It is a risk I am willing to take, the risk of being wrong, if it means that one more person is brought closer to you.  It is a risk battling the pride, lust of eyes, insecurity, and other things that I battle every day, but I will battle them just to be closer to my Daddy.  It is a risk giving up a simpler lifestyle, little pleasures, more time in general, but I am up for the challenge.

I could die and feel fulfilled today, knowing that I have given my very best and that there has been fruit to evidence that, but I will not let any past successes OR failures determine what lies ahead.  I refuse to let anxieties enter or have a foothold in my life manipulating me and paralyzing me from moving forward.

Yes, I struggle with these feelings, and yes, I would like to be with my Abba, YET I PRAISE HIM WITH SHOUTS OF PRAISE,
for His work is fearfully and wonderfully made and He will be faithful to complete all that he began.

So Papa, I choose to give You the rest of it.  I don't know how much I have left, but I am grateful that I served well on this first quarter of the journey... very imperfectly, but well.  Please, Abba, Please help me to remain in your care and continue to serve my Daddy well.

Let all who read these words be encouraged.  Let us live every day with passion and compassion.  Let us live with our focus on the lost, with our arms open and our spiritual ears intent on what the Holy Spirit speaks.

Shalom to you and yours.